The Sole's Delight

So on the eve of my baby shower, I am reflecting on the journey thus far. The biggest turn as been the realization that my intuition was correct and he is a Boy! I put images of my little prince on my vision board a long time ago.  Now knowing that I am weeks away from his arrival, I am getting a little nervous. Raising a black prince in this world we live in is not easy. I pray that I am rightly guided to teach him what he needs to know. In the meantime I celebrate him.

Even though I have been a mother for over ten years, something about this pregnancy scares me. I'm not worried about the baby being healthy or being able to take care of my new little girl. I know how to feed, dress and bathe her. I have an idea of what schools to send her to and where to take her for medical care. But what really scares me, is this time I KNOW... I don't have the excuse of saying "I didn't know because I'm a new mom." I know how certain movies and music may affect her. I know that her dad and I are a model for the relationships he will grow up to have. I know the affects of my decisions will give her certain questions and feeling later on. As I move into the pre-teen stage with my ten year old, I see how what I didn't know is translating into her thoughts and ideas. I'm of saying that she is emotionally crippled or mentally traumatized by the choices I made when she was baby. I am saying that now that I know better I can do better. ...

Over the past weeks, I have lamented over some things happening in my life. I came home tonight, ready to relax just as I always do, hoping to find a quiet place to relax and fall asleep. I turned on Joel Osteen and he said "If you can't be positive, at least be silent." Trying to work through the pain of betrayal and disappointment, I had been speaking about to my friends about what I'm going through. But Joel reminded me that the power of life ad death is in the tongue. In seeking comfort, I actually brought melancholy into my mind and spirit, overlooking the miracles and blessings that surround me every day. My darkest moments have been the birthing ground for my greatest victories. Imani and her little sister are my life changing blessings and accomplishments in the midst of trouble. I am thankful to God for the word that he is given me this night. I needed the renewal of my spirit and mind and the reminder that I HAVE to speak faith and love into my life. He ha...

    The prospect of having a new miniature version of myself, it exciting lol. My first baby girl likes looking good, but hates to shop. She prefers karate over dance and zombies instead of love stories. (Maybe she not totally a miniature version of me LOL) In any event, maybe this little one will share my love of shoes and own the stage (like her mother did once upon a time!) As I wrap my head around the fact that I will be bringing another beautiful African American woman into this world, I draw on the knowledge and experiences that I shared with my mother. I really wish she was here to be part of this process with me. I try to tell my daughter about her but it's just not the same. God has blessed me with sorors, family and friends who surround my girls and I with love and loyalty and I couldn't ask for better women in my life. So as I get closer and closer to the moment of her arrival, I prepare in the way that I only I know how. I buy shoes!! ...

I don't know if I can call it writer's block. It's more like my voice has been temporarily silenced as I work through my journey. It's hard to share what you don't know how to express. This year will literally birth joy and pain. Either way I am blessed with the experience. But, how do you explain the pain behind your smile or the joy behind your tears when you only feel it and don't quite understand it? For the first time in a long time, I don't know what my plan is. I am taking it day by day. I can't see the vision of my end goal and although it doesn't scare me, I am not comforted by this state.   I am having a baby, without my mother. How do you do that? How do you become a mother without your mother? I truly can't describe this space and in many ways I can't fathom it. It can be a lonely process because no once can fill the space of my mom. So although I travel my journey faithfully I am not sure I walk with confidence. In my attem...